You’re not in Love

I was walking in the corridor and suddenly I saw you. You caught me by surprise like a flash of lightning, striking me. You were teaching in front of your political science students.

I had never seen a woman so seductive, so appealing and so alluring at that time. Never witnessed a woman who turned my world upside down until my eyes laid upon you.

I was just a nobody, an average college student on the campus at that time. I got no special achievement I can boast, for you to pay attention to me. Yet your striking aura propelled me to be galvanized.

Straight black hair up to your shoulders. Black eyes, black eyebrows with such captivating look.

Most of all, your dress. That sexy outfit. Tight-fitting executive long sleeves showing a little bit of your cleavage. Slim and slender down to your waist and hips. A well-formed body encased by your dark grey mini skirt.

I wasn’t your student. I stayed outside while I was observing your movements. Walking gracefully at the podium, letting me see your long legs like a model on the stage.

I had never done this before yet it was worth a try. Dismissal time. I was glad one of your students was my friend. I told him to give this note written on a small piece of paper. I was nervous. My heart was beating faster. I wore wayfarer shades to conceal myself, for I was like stalking you.

I hoped hard you’d respond to my letter by calling my number. I had no common sense. Who was I to expect a call from you? Me, you didn’t know. Me, without a face. Me and my number. Me and my note saying, “Hi, Miss Joy! My name is Mike. Know that you’re very beautiful and intelligent. I’d like to know you more. I’m hoping if you could call me at this number…… so we can meet. Thank you very much and take care always.”

Days passed with my heart skipping a beat just to pick up a ringing phone, hopefully hearing your voice. Not more than a week, finally you called. I couldn’t believe you took heed to my simple letter.

Then we conversed on the phone, still wondering how was it possible to receive a call from the most talked-about teacher in the university.

That’s always been me. When it’s there which I worked for, all of a sudden, I can’t believe I did it.

Our conversation was short but direct.

“Hello! Can I speak to Mike?”

“Yes, this is Mike!”

“Hi! This is Joy! I got a letter from you which was given from my student.”

“Oh, yes! Thank you so much for calling, Joy! I never expected you’d call me!”

“Well, here I am, talking to you!”

“Wow, I just can’t believe you even read my note!”

“Well, you have to believe now!”

“Right! I’m tense and I don’t know what to do! I’m really glad you called me!”

“Yeah! So what now?”

“Is it possible I can meet you?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Can I meet you outside the school? What time will you go out from your class tomorrow?”

“1030am.”

“Ok, then! I’ll wait outside starting at 1030am. I’m wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and shades.”

“So how will I know it’s you?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll approach you when I see you.”

“Ah, ok.”

“See you then tomorrow, Joy!”

“Ok, see you then, Mike.”

“Thank you so much! Looking forward for tomorrow!”

“Me, too. Bye now.”

“Bye for now, Joy. Take care.”

And so we met. I can still recall how you looked at that moment. Your smell and the way you moved, still linger in my memory. You were walking fast as if you didn’t want to be noticed that you’re going out with someone. That someone who typically couldn’t be mistaken as a young college boy.

I opened the car, parked a few meters from the school. I didn’t tell you I just borrowed the car. You sat on the front seat as I still couldn’t believe I was dating the hottest teacher in a famous university. Your thighs and legs sitting on the leather chair made me fly like I was high in ecstasy.

I drove to somewhere I didn’t know until we reached up in the hills. We got along so quickly. Our face-to-face conversation was just so natural, frank, and fast. I never had that kind of talk before until you came into my life. Before you, I did a number of courtships which some ended in heartaches.

But there you were with me, so spontaneous as if I came when you needed someone to talk to, casually. I noticed I arrived at the right time when you needed someone with whom you could relate without any subordination. Just plain casual friends you seemed to want without thinking you were a teacher and without minding I was an ordinary guy on the block.

You smoked as you expressed who you really are, right in front of me. I was holding the steering wheel. You talked a lot about your dreams and aspiration of becoming a full-fledged lawyer. I just listened to you with all amusement as you brought me into your world. I was just 19 at that time while you were 10 years older than me.

You shared your love of music. You asked me if I can give you a cassette tape containing, I’m Not in Love by 10CC. I ingrained the title in my head.

After some hours, you then disclosed your sexual desires. I was caught off guard as you ignited the fire in me. You held my face and said, “Kiss me, Mike!”

So we kissed passionately and wildly in the car. Your tongue smelled and tasted nicotine but I was mystified for the more it was sensually pleasurable. I guess it was the way you kissed me. Your breath, your saliva, and your experience of stimulating a man.

You opened your blouse and let me touch your breasts. You guided my hand on how to squeeze them sensually. You opened my jeans and caressed my cock. You let me touch your vagina and guided my fingers on how to make you achieve your orgasm. You did reach it as I did as well. Oh, God, it was indeed hot!

We met again not because we had to but because both of us wanted to. You were looking for someone to kill the time and I was just there every time.

You wanted me not to call you on the phone. If my memory served me well, you were always the one who called and asked me out.

In the car again, we romanced. That time, we fucked. You were on top as I was mesmerized by the look of your face. You enjoyed it a lot to the satisfaction of your fleshly desires.

It was nighttime at the beach. It was so dark that I thought no one saw us. The back windshield wasn’t tinted. It was my turn to be on top but I had to stop because someone was peeping at us. We were like naughty children who had to get away out of embarrassment. I could still picture the way you cast your cute sultry smile. I didn’t bother for having not achieved my orgasm for as long as we could do it again and again.

And so we did it successively like we could never get enough. Oftentimes, you told me we have to go to a motel for you were getting uncomfortable in the car. I wasn’t honest with you that I just didn’t have the budget. I remained mum as I continued to do it with you in the car. It was the only place I knew where money wasn’t the hindrance.

It came to a point where you couldn’t take it anymore. You pulled me out of the car and you fucked me on the sofa of your living room. At least the seat was wider where we finally laid down. But we had to hurry because, in no time, your dad would be back. So in order for you to cum faster, you went back to your favorite position, on top. I didn’t mind again. I didn’t achieve my orgasm again. That was alright. For me to see you pleased was double the pleasure on my part.

You were getting wilder as I tried to control but in the end, I gave in. At night you called me when I was about to attend our weekly religious meeting. You said you wanted to see me so you could fuck me again. I couldn’t say no to you. Never had I turned you down. However, I couldn’t be absent from our meeting either. So what I did, in the middle of our group sharing, I told my mom that I had to go somewhere urgent. And there I went to your friend’s house. You were at a party. You were drunk and you needed some quickie. You kissed me wild while pleasuring my cock. Then passionately, you fucked me. Where else but in the car again! And thank you for I had a great orgasm too that night. Thank you, Joy! Thank you so much.

As they say, some good things never last. It happened to us on the day you had to leave for Manila for the bar exam review. What I feared had finally come. It was the last meeting we had in the car. I gave you the cassette tape containing I’m Not in Love. I never bothered to ask why you wanted that song so bad. Anyway, it also had some love songs of the ’80s which are my favorites.

Time was running out. I had to say what I had to express all along the course of our relationship which was more filled with sex rather than love.

And so I frankly said, “Joy, I want you to know that you’re important to me.”

You never responded. You were cold. Then all of a sudden, you told me, “Please drive me home. I have to go.”

I was speechless. I wanted to spend more time with you and indulge myself in our last few minutes. But you had a plane to catch.

Your last words were, “I’ll write you a letter. Bye, Mike.”

I couldn’t respond because we already arrived at your house. You gave me a quick kiss and suddenly left. You didn’t wait if I have something to say. Then you were just gone, leaving your tantalizing scent in the car.

We got to know each other very swiftly but we were separated in the same manner, quick and even mostly quickies we made magic in the car.

Crazy I was with you that I seemed not able to let go of you in my heart and mind. Every day, every time I arrived home from school, I opened our mailbox expecting a letter from you.

A month passed. Finally, I got a letter from you written on a yellow paper. You wrote:

“Hello, Mike! Sorry, it took me a while to write to you. Anyway, I’m already set here in Manila. So don’t worry about me. My bar exam would be two weeks from now. So please pray for me. I know you have a deep belief in God. You know me, I don’t have such spiritual connection with Him.

I miss you. How can I not miss you? We made special memories in your car and in our living room. Hahaha! Whenever I see a car having the same color as yours, I remember you. I remember the two of us. Sometimes you might catch me here smiling in my room while I’m studying these stressful law books. I have to pause, lie down for a while and pleasure my vagina.

We had fun, Mike. I really enjoyed every second I was with you. I felt younger and vibrant. How I wish we had more time! How I wish time stood still every time we fucked! But I have to move on. I hope you understand my aspiration. And thank you for always putting a smile on my face whenever my memory takes me back into your arms.

I have to go now, Mike. If you notice, there’s no address indicated on my location. I might transfer to a new place here in Manila. But don’t worry, I’ll try to write you another letter.

Wish me good luck and I hope to see you someday when I get the chance to visit Cebu.”

Yours truly,

Joy

After reading, I didn’t know what to feel. I was looking for a word of love from you. My eyes were searching on the paper for the three words coming from you, I love you. But I realized how silly I was to expect you to say those words when I didn’t even say I love you in the first place when you were here with me.

I hated myself. I hated myself for not being able to express how much you really mean to me. How I wanted to say that it’s not really your body I so desire the most, but your love.

Since you said you’d write me another letter, I opened our mailbox every day. Literally, for three hundred sixty-five days, I held that rusty mailbox and pulled the handle just to see no piece of paper from you.

After a year, I decided not to touch that mailbox. Never again.

Years passed. One afternoon while I was sitting in our rocking chair, the song played on the radio was I’m Not in Love. I then reminisced you fondly. I grabbed my laptop to search for its lyrics and tried to understand the meaning behind the song you like so much. I memorized the lines, sang along, and felt the melody. Then it dawned upon me. You must have intentionally wanted me to listen to the song, for all the while it was dedicated for me.

You’re not in love with me, Joy. Never had you been. But I understand.

Goodbye, Joy. Goodbye…