I could have introduced you to one of life’s greatest joys and pleasures

I would like to dedicate this writing to the girl I want to fall in love but I just can’t…

When we first met face to face, you reminded me of someone I dearly love in secret many years ago. I wanted to love her but I wasn’t able to, due to difficult circumstances. And here you came, I’m still faced with the same situation.

But I don’t know if you felt how special you are to me during those moments we were together. I don’t know if what I’ve given is enough to let you know how important you are to me. I could have done more. I could have given you more but I’m just in a situation where I’m forced to stay away from you as much as possible.

If I spend more time with you, I don’t know if I can hold back my feelings towards you. It’s possible that if we see each other again, I might confess that I love you and I want to prove that I really do. However, I’m afraid if that happens, what comes next is I might touch you and kiss you. I wouldn’t have an idea of your reaction the moment I say I love you. Would you say no? How much more, I don’t know what would be your reaction the moment I touch your hair and face and kiss you. Would you push me away?

Thinking those scenarios really scare me just by the thought of it. So what can I do now? I’ll just continue to stare at your lovely pictures here and imagine your beautiful innocent face. I’ll just reminisce again and again about the dream I had with you…

Nights ago, I was dreaming. It was a vivid dream. We were walking side by side on the street of our village. We were having some serious conversations. Melancholy at most but meaningful. I just couldn’t remember what exactly we were talking about. What I can clearly recall was the strong feeling I had during that lucid dream. I felt so deeply joyous being with you. I intensely felt life’s real meaning of existence. And that is simply to exist freely, peacefully and happily. That’s what I really felt during the dream.

When I woke up, I thought it was real. I went to sleep again to resume my dream with you. I fell asleep but unable to resume my dream with you.

There’s this book I read. One of the lessons I learned is that there is truth in dreams. When you dream of something and the feeling associated with it is strong and clearly felt, then there is truth you must pursue.

Should I pursue you? If I do, you might just reject me simply because I might not be able to give what you need. And that is to live just like normal lovers do without hiding anything.

I’m sorry. I’ve bothered you. I’m sorry I might have caused a disturbance in your life.

You can forget me. You don’t have to reply to my messages. Don’t worry about me. I’m used to this. This happened to me several times before.

But please know, I’ve fallen in love with you. I want to love you. I want to continue providing what you need. I want to make you happy but I guess, this is the end of our road together. I understand. I’m not the man you want.

But please know, if you let me love you, I could have introduced you to one of life’s greatest joys and pleasures.

But for now, I respect your space. I’m ready for the time you won’t see me again.

Goodbye, my love.

My love, kill me now

I love you but will you still love me if you know who really I am?

I’ve always loved you and I’ve always kept my vow before the altar.

No matter what, I’ll always love you but will you still love me if there’s nothing more I can give?

Now that you’ve known who really I am, let me prove to you that I can love you more. I can let you do what you want even to the point of pain, even if it leads to my death. But just let me stay with you for I can never find another one who can truly take care of me.

Without you by side is like living in darkness, in hell, in the void.

If you can no longer take me as I am, please kill me. I’d rather die than you abandoning me.

Kill me however you want it. Shoot me. Stab me. Strangle me. Suffocate me. Push me from the highest floor. Give me a sleeping pill so I’ll wake up no more.

Will you do it, my love?

Even to my last breath, I’ll call your name. Your name will be the last word I would utter.

But here you are, my love! You’ve never left me.

The way you looked at me in the church is still the same when we make love in the night.

The way you gave me your first kiss is still the same when you kiss me every time I’m downtrodden.

In front of the world, I’m a failure but in your eyes, I’m someone special. And so I’m able to soar.

You’re always at my side, lifting me up while you stay there waiting to catch me just in case I fall.

Who am I to deserve your great love for me?

My love, I’m incomplete for I can’t give you what you want. So if you can no longer take me as I am, please don’t hesitate to kill me. You don’t have to inform me. You don’t have to be guilty. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

You’re just human. You have your own needs. Fulfill it if you must. Do it if you have to. You don’t have to suffer just because this is who I am.

I’m setting you free. The true love you’ve given me for so many years is enough.

I can leave this world but know that I can’t live in this world if it takes me to be away from you. So please, my love, look straight into my eyes and tell me. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to lie.

Kill me. Burn me. Then replace me without any delay.

Let me just request one last thing before you cut off my breath. Let my ashes be spread in the seashore where you first gave your love for me. With your footprints there, I’ll walk with you whenever you feel alone and miserable. And just in case when life seems to turn you down, walk in the sand and feel my undying love for you.

When that happens, we will never be separated. We will never be torn apart. I will never die. You will never die. We will live forever.

So please, my love, kill me now.

– excerpt from The Massage Therapist

The Moving Love Letter

Dear Mike,

I never thought we reach this point in our relationship. All I can remember at first is you were just one of those persistent admirers. But what sets you apart is you never give up.

Every time I look back, I always ask myself, why and how did I fall for you? Honestly, until now, there’s still some regret why I let myself fall for you. No matter how I look at our situation, this is wrong. When people know about our relationship, they will judge us.

Mike, I’m writing this letter for two reasons. First, to let you know I’m ready anytime to let you go if you decide you won’t see me again. I will understand. Don’t worry about me. The second reason is to let you know that no matter how complicated our relationship is, I still thank God I met you.

We’ve been seeing for many times now and I know you’re getting to know me better. I’m a person who deeply believes in the will of God. Our meeting is one example that there must be a reason why God allows these things to happen. If I wouldn’t have met you, I don’t know what would happen to me on that day when I had a terrible fever. If I wouldn’t have met you, I don’t know what would happen to my schooling when my brother was laid off from his job.

Sometimes I think God is someone we can never understand. He works in mysterious ways. All I can do right now is surrender to His Will whatever it may be in the next days to come.

When I found out I didn’t get pregnant, more questions came to me. I got more confused about what God really wants. Does He want me to stay away from you? Is He giving me a chance that I shouldn’t agree anymore to make love to you or else I get pregnant by that time?

But if I believe our meeting has a reason, then God must have a hand in why we reach this point.

Every time I’m with you, my mind thinks it’s wrong but my heart says otherwise. I can’t deny, I get excited to be with you. I just don’t show it.

I may say less when we’re together but I hope this letter tells a lot about how much I feel for you. I love you, Mike. There are no other words I know to express how grateful I am for you. You’re kind. You listen to me always. You care and I feel you’re sincere. I’ve loved before but this is something extraordinary. This is unexpected. You shock me but you have a unique way of captivating me which I don’t have the strength to stop you.

You come to me too strong which is so hard to resist. You weaken me with your stare and touch but you make me experience a different kind of happiness which I never felt before.

As you keep telling me, we don’t know what the future holds for us but we know Who holds the future. So I guess it’s gonna be alright.

I trust you, Mike. I believe in you when you say you’ll take care of me. You’re now taking care of me more than I ask for. But when the day comes you will let me go, just tell me right away. I will let you go even if you don’t ask if I see it’s getting difficult with you. That’s how I love you, Mike. I give you freedom whenever you will leave me.

I’m crying as I write this letter in the middle of the night. I have to cry so to lessen my pain when that day comes. But please remember, you’re the best thing that ever happened in my life.

Love,

Jill

– excerpts from The Carnal Man

The Forbidden Thrill

Even until now, I can still recall in detail the greatest orgasm that I have ever experienced. It was so great because of its forbidden thrill. She was my officemate.

We went up to the highest floor of our office building as I held her hand. She told me in fear, “Mike, maybe someone may see us here.”

I responded, “Don’t worry.” Then I grabbed her waist against my body as I started kissing her passionately.

I could still remember the smell of her luscious breath. She sensually wrapped me with her arms that I could feel the growing heat of her body. I started to squeeze her tempting breasts against her body-fitting blouse.

I then gently opened the buttons and squeezed her protruding boobs and nipples. She whispered, “Oohhh, Mike! This is so fucking good!”

She couldn’t hold back but opened my pants and stroked my fully erect cock. I had my tongue sucking her pinkish nipples when she suddenly moaned and exclaimed, “Mike, fuck me, please!”

I lustfully replied, “Ok, May.”

Good thing, there was a chair near us. I sat down when she managed to let her pussy get inside my cock in a back position. Ooh, her vagina was so wet which made the pumping so smoothly hot! She kept saying sounds of erotic moans like she never had that kind of pleasure before. I stared at her long shiny black straight hair, waving up and down, left and right as she kept pumping and grinding.

It was so yummy that I uncontrollably reached my orgasm first while she still kept pumping faster and faster until she achieved her ecstatic orgasm as well.

“Aahh, that was indeed fucking good!” I embraced her tight in perspiration and savored the moment which would then last forever.

Every time I walked down the particular street, I always looked up to that window on the highest floor of the building and kept replaying back in my mind how we fucked. It was sexy, unique, wildly thrilling, and greatly memorable to the deepest part of my mind.

You’re not in Love

I was walking in the corridor and suddenly I saw you. You caught me by surprise like a flash of lightning, striking me. You were teaching in front of your political science students.

I had never seen a woman so seductive, so appealing and so alluring at that time. Never witnessed a woman who turned my world upside down until my eyes laid upon you.

I was just a nobody, an average college student on the campus at that time. I got no special achievement I can boast, for you to pay attention to me. Yet your striking aura propelled me to be galvanized.

Straight black hair up to your shoulders. Black eyes, black eyebrows with such captivating look.

Most of all, your dress. That sexy outfit. Tight-fitting executive long sleeves showing a little bit of your cleavage. Slim and slender down to your waist and hips. A well-formed body encased by your dark grey mini skirt.

I wasn’t your student. I stayed outside while I was observing your movements. Walking gracefully at the podium, letting me see your long legs like a model on the stage.

I had never done this before yet it was worth a try. Dismissal time. I was glad one of your students was my friend. I told him to give this note written on a small piece of paper. I was nervous. My heart was beating faster. I wore wayfarer shades to conceal myself, for I was like stalking you.

I hoped hard you’d respond to my letter by calling my number. I had no common sense. Who was I to expect a call from you? Me, you didn’t know. Me, without a face. Me and my number. Me and my note saying, “Hi, Miss Joy! My name is Mike. Know that you’re very beautiful and intelligent. I’d like to know you more. I’m hoping if you could call me at this number…… so we can meet. Thank you very much and take care always.”

Days passed with my heart skipping a beat just to pick up a ringing phone, hopefully hearing your voice. Not more than a week, finally you called. I couldn’t believe you took heed to my simple letter.

Then we conversed on the phone, still wondering how was it possible to receive a call from the most talked-about teacher in the university.

That’s always been me. When it’s there which I worked for, all of a sudden, I can’t believe I did it.

Our conversation was short but direct.

“Hello! Can I speak to Mike?”

“Yes, this is Mike!”

“Hi! This is Joy! I got a letter from you which was given from my student.”

“Oh, yes! Thank you so much for calling, Joy! I never expected you’d call me!”

“Well, here I am, talking to you!”

“Wow, I just can’t believe you even read my note!”

“Well, you have to believe now!”

“Right! I’m tense and I don’t know what to do! I’m really glad you called me!”

“Yeah! So what now?”

“Is it possible I can meet you?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Can I meet you outside the school? What time will you go out from your class tomorrow?”

“1030am.”

“Ok, then! I’ll wait outside starting at 1030am. I’m wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and shades.”

“So how will I know it’s you?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll approach you when I see you.”

“Ah, ok.”

“See you then tomorrow, Joy!”

“Ok, see you then, Mike.”

“Thank you so much! Looking forward for tomorrow!”

“Me, too. Bye now.”

“Bye for now, Joy. Take care.”

And so we met. I can still recall how you looked at that moment. Your smell and the way you moved, still linger in my memory. You were walking fast as if you didn’t want to be noticed that you’re going out with someone. That someone who typically couldn’t be mistaken as a young college boy.

I opened the car, parked a few meters from the school. I didn’t tell you I just borrowed the car. You sat on the front seat as I still couldn’t believe I was dating the hottest teacher in a famous university. Your thighs and legs sitting on the leather chair made me fly like I was high in ecstasy.

I drove to somewhere I didn’t know until we reached up in the hills. We got along so quickly. Our face-to-face conversation was just so natural, frank, and fast. I never had that kind of talk before until you came into my life. Before you, I did a number of courtships which some ended in heartaches.

But there you were with me, so spontaneous as if I came when you needed someone to talk to, casually. I noticed I arrived at the right time when you needed someone with whom you could relate without any subordination. Just plain casual friends you seemed to want without thinking you were a teacher and without minding I was an ordinary guy on the block.

You smoked as you expressed who you really are, right in front of me. I was holding the steering wheel. You talked a lot about your dreams and aspiration of becoming a full-fledged lawyer. I just listened to you with all amusement as you brought me into your world. I was just 19 at that time while you were 10 years older than me.

You shared your love of music. You asked me if I can give you a cassette tape containing, I’m Not in Love by 10CC. I ingrained the title in my head.

After some hours, you then disclosed your sexual desires. I was caught off guard as you ignited the fire in me. You held my face and said, “Kiss me, Mike!”

So we kissed passionately and wildly in the car. Your tongue smelled and tasted nicotine but I was mystified for the more it was sensually pleasurable. I guess it was the way you kissed me. Your breath, your saliva, and your experience of stimulating a man.

You opened your blouse and let me touch your breasts. You guided my hand on how to squeeze them sensually. You opened my jeans and caressed my cock. You let me touch your vagina and guided my fingers on how to make you achieve your orgasm. You did reach it as I did as well. Oh, God, it was indeed hot!

We met again not because we had to but because both of us wanted to. You were looking for someone to kill the time and I was just there every time.

You wanted me not to call you on the phone. If my memory served me well, you were always the one who called and asked me out.

In the car again, we romanced. That time, we fucked. You were on top as I was mesmerized by the look of your face. You enjoyed it a lot to the satisfaction of your fleshly desires.

It was nighttime at the beach. It was so dark that I thought no one saw us. The back windshield wasn’t tinted. It was my turn to be on top but I had to stop because someone was peeping at us. We were like naughty children who had to get away out of embarrassment. I could still picture the way you cast your cute sultry smile. I didn’t bother for having not achieved my orgasm for as long as we could do it again and again.

And so we did it successively like we could never get enough. Oftentimes, you told me we have to go to a motel for you were getting uncomfortable in the car. I wasn’t honest with you that I just didn’t have the budget. I remained mum as I continued to do it with you in the car. It was the only place I knew where money wasn’t the hindrance.

It came to a point where you couldn’t take it anymore. You pulled me out of the car and you fucked me on the sofa of your living room. At least the seat was wider where we finally laid down. But we had to hurry because, in no time, your dad would be back. So in order for you to cum faster, you went back to your favorite position, on top. I didn’t mind again. I didn’t achieve my orgasm again. That was alright. For me to see you pleased was double the pleasure on my part.

You were getting wilder as I tried to control but in the end, I gave in. At night you called me when I was about to attend our weekly religious meeting. You said you wanted to see me so you could fuck me again. I couldn’t say no to you. Never had I turned you down. However, I couldn’t be absent from our meeting either. So what I did, in the middle of our group sharing, I told my mom that I had to go somewhere urgent. And there I went to your friend’s house. You were at a party. You were drunk and you needed some quickie. You kissed me wild while pleasuring my cock. Then passionately, you fucked me. Where else but in the car again! And thank you for I had a great orgasm too that night. Thank you, Joy! Thank you so much.

As they say, some good things never last. It happened to us on the day you had to leave for Manila for the bar exam review. What I feared had finally come. It was the last meeting we had in the car. I gave you the cassette tape containing I’m Not in Love. I never bothered to ask why you wanted that song so bad. Anyway, it also had some love songs of the ’80s which are my favorites.

Time was running out. I had to say what I had to express all along the course of our relationship which was more filled with sex rather than love.

And so I frankly said, “Joy, I want you to know that you’re important to me.”

You never responded. You were cold. Then all of a sudden, you told me, “Please drive me home. I have to go.”

I was speechless. I wanted to spend more time with you and indulge myself in our last few minutes. But you had a plane to catch.

Your last words were, “I’ll write you a letter. Bye, Mike.”

I couldn’t respond because we already arrived at your house. You gave me a quick kiss and suddenly left. You didn’t wait if I have something to say. Then you were just gone, leaving your tantalizing scent in the car.

We got to know each other very swiftly but we were separated in the same manner, quick and even mostly quickies we made magic in the car.

Crazy I was with you that I seemed not able to let go of you in my heart and mind. Every day, every time I arrived home from school, I opened our mailbox expecting a letter from you.

A month passed. Finally, I got a letter from you written on a yellow paper. You wrote:

“Hello, Mike! Sorry, it took me a while to write to you. Anyway, I’m already set here in Manila. So don’t worry about me. My bar exam would be two weeks from now. So please pray for me. I know you have a deep belief in God. You know me, I don’t have such spiritual connection with Him.

I miss you. How can I not miss you? We made special memories in your car and in our living room. Hahaha! Whenever I see a car having the same color as yours, I remember you. I remember the two of us. Sometimes you might catch me here smiling in my room while I’m studying these stressful law books. I have to pause, lie down for a while and pleasure my vagina.

We had fun, Mike. I really enjoyed every second I was with you. I felt younger and vibrant. How I wish we had more time! How I wish time stood still every time we fucked! But I have to move on. I hope you understand my aspiration. And thank you for always putting a smile on my face whenever my memory takes me back into your arms.

I have to go now, Mike. If you notice, there’s no address indicated on my location. I might transfer to a new place here in Manila. But don’t worry, I’ll try to write you another letter.

Wish me good luck and I hope to see you someday when I get the chance to visit Cebu.”

Yours truly,

Joy

After reading, I didn’t know what to feel. I was looking for a word of love from you. My eyes were searching on the paper for the three words coming from you, I love you. But I realized how silly I was to expect you to say those words when I didn’t even say I love you in the first place when you were here with me.

I hated myself. I hated myself for not being able to express how much you really mean to me. How I wanted to say that it’s not really your body I so desire the most, but your love.

Since you said you’d write me another letter, I opened our mailbox every day. Literally, for three hundred sixty-five days, I held that rusty mailbox and pulled the handle just to see no piece of paper from you.

After a year, I decided not to touch that mailbox. Never again.

Years passed. One afternoon while I was sitting in our rocking chair, the song played on the radio was I’m Not in Love. I then reminisced you fondly. I grabbed my laptop to search for its lyrics and tried to understand the meaning behind the song you like so much. I memorized the lines, sang along, and felt the melody. Then it dawned upon me. You must have intentionally wanted me to listen to the song, for all the while it was dedicated for me.

You’re not in love with me, Joy. Never had you been. But I understand.

Goodbye, Joy. Goodbye…

Remembering the Erotic Dancer

One time I passed by in this street. I looked at the place where a strip bar was situated years ago. I stopped for a while and closed my eyes to recall a certain episode in my life which can’t be erased from my memory. In such good timing, the radio was playing the song, Toy Soldiers by Martika.

Then I visualized the words and scene I wrote before:

I said to her, “Hi! Come here, sit down.”

She replied, “Thanks.”

“You danced very well a while ago.”

“Thanks.”

“My name is Mike!”

“Ok.”

“Your name is Jennifer. Right?”

“Right.”

“What would you like to drink?”

“Orange punch.”

“Waiter, you heard her order.”

The waiter said, “Ok, sir. Would you like to have another beer?”

I replied, “Yes. Thanks.”

I asked her, “So Jen, how long you’ve been working here?”

She replied, “I’m just new here.”

“Really! Like a month now?”

“Just a week.”

“Wow! Is this your first time working in a bar like this?”

“Yes.”

“How old are you, by the way?”

“Just 18.”

“Wow! You’re so young and pretty!”

“Thanks.”

“I’ve been watching you dancing since your first hour.”

“Are you alone?”

“Yeah, just me.”

“Why you’re sitting so far? There are empty chairs near the stage.”

“I know but I like it here so I can touch mine while watching.”

“Hahaha! You’re naughty!”

“Your parents know about your work?”

“No.”

“Are you living here in Cebu?”

“I come from the province and came here for work.”

“And this is the work you found?”

“Why are you asking me these questions? Just enjoy the night. Look at her! Isn’t she beautiful?”

“Yeah, she is!”

“She’s really good in dancing.”

“Yeah, but you’re better.”

“Hahaha! You’re always joking!”

“It’s true, Jen.”

I gently touched her hand as she cast a shy smile at me.

“Your name is Mike?”

“Yeah! You have a good memory.”

“You just mentioned your name a while ago. I guess I can’t forget you now because you’re the only one who has no companion here.”

“Right. So you like what you do?”

“Question again! Hahaha!”

“Sorry but I have to ask because I can’t believe you’re so young to do these kinds of things. I think you’re the youngest here. Am I right?”

“Yeah.”

“So where are you staying here?”

“In Mabolo.”

“Oh, I’m from Mabolo too. You’re staying alone in a boarding house?”

“I’m with my sister.”

“Ah, ok.”

“So tell me about yourself, Mike. Do you come here often?”

“I think this is my second time.”

“When was the first time?”

“I think it was three days ago.”

“Why didn’t I see you?”

“Why? Would you notice me among the many customers you meet here?”

“Hahaha!”

“Why are you laughing, Jen?”

The manager called her.

She said, “Mike, it’s my turn. Just wait here for me.”

I replied, “Ok.”

The song was a disco tune which was followed by a mellow music, Toy Soldiers by Martika. Erotic striptease was her specialty.

Then she came back to my table and sat closer beside me.

I said, “Wow! You really danced very well!”

She responded, “Hahaha! You’re joking again!”

“So your boyfriend will fetch you after your show?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Then that’s good.”

“Why?”

“Because I’d like to invite you out.”

“Huh? Where will we go?”

“We’ll eat.”

“Ah, ok.”

“So it’s ok with you?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“So I’ll just wait here?”

“No, you can’t wait here. It’s not allowed.”

“What do you mean?”

“The management doesn’t allow us to be taken out by our customers.”

“Even if it’s already your time off?”

“Yeah, unless you pay the bar fine.”

“Why would I pay the bar fine when you’re done with your shift?”

“I know. Just wait for me outside, far from here.”

“Where?”

“Do you have a car?”

“Yeah.”

“Just park farther from here.”

“Where?”

“Near the convenience store.”

“Ok. I’ll wait for you inside the car.”

“What’s the color of your car?”

“It’s blue.”

“Ok.”

“See you then later, Jen.”

It was already 230am. I opened the front windows as I patiently waited for her to go out from the club.

Then she arrived saying, “Hi, Mike! Sorry, it took me so long.”

I replied, “That’s ok. Come and get inside.”

“Where shall we go?”

“Let’s just drive-thru Mcdonald’s and eat here in the car.”

“Why? You’re afraid you might be seen going out with a pretty girl like me?”

“You also got a lot of questions, Jen! Hahaha!”

After getting our order, I then parked in a discreet place and ate our burgers. Playing on my car stereo was If You Don’t Know Me By Now by Simply Red.

In my mind, I knew what I should do the moment she agreed to go out with me. So I said, “Let’s go, Jen.”

She asked, “Where?”

“In my house?”

“Huh? You’re living alone there?”

“My parents are in Manila.”

“You have siblings?”

“Yeah. But don’t worry. They’re already sleeping.”

“Hahaha! You’re sure about that?”

We arrived at my house. I parked the car outside so I didn’t have to cause some noise if I open our garage gate. I held her hand and felt she was easy to bring along with. Then we stayed in the sala and laid down in those large pillows.

Without any resistance and smooth it went, we fucked. Then we were tenderly embracing each other as we fell asleep. I seemed to feel something sad deep inside her.

I woke up at 530am. I said, “Jen, wake up! Let’s go. I’ll drive you home.”

She responded, “But I’m still sleepy, Mike.”

“We have to go now. My brother might see us here.”

And so off we left. While I was driving, she was caressing my arm with her fingers as she asked, “Mike, will I see you again?”

I replied, “I hope so, Jen. I hope so.”

“If you like, you can visit me in my house anytime.”

“By the way, here’s some money.”

“Thanks.”

“Thank you, Jen.”

“For what?”

“Because… Just because.”

“Why can’t you tell me?”

“It’s just the way it is.”

We arrived at her house. We kissed passionately while sunrise penetrated through the front windshield. She then got out of the car with a look on her face, clinging to some hope that it wasn’t just a one-night stand.

Months passed while being busy with so many things, I thought dearly about Jen. I wanted to see her again to let her feel it wasn’t just a one-night stand. I was somehow ready to be open to what could develop between the two of us. So I went to her house but I got lost. I couldn’t recall the exact location of her house. All I kept saying to myself was, “Damn! Why?”

Hopeless Romantic Love

In my night dreams, I keep seeing you and me, holding each others’ hands like we can’t be separated.

We look so happy like a newlywed couple, celebrating in the garden. We were smiling sweetly while the white roses were showered upon our heads.

The dream is so clear and vivid. I thought it was real. I could smell the freshness of the air and the scent of those flowers. You were dressed in that long white gown as I held your hands while running away from the crowd. We’re running carefree like children in the playground. We’re sliding and swinging as we felt the soft breeze of the air. But then all of a sudden, I lost you. You were no longer beside me in the swing. But it was still moving but without you in the seat.

I was awakened to see a tear fall on my pillow. So sad and empty I’ve always been, realizing you really don’t want me after all.

Turning back the hands of clock, the first time I saw you was in a beauty pageant in our place. I was a junior high school student at that time. At my first sight of you, I fell in love with you. I thought ‘love at first sight’ doesn’t exist but it did happen to me when your flashing beauty caught me. My heart beat faster. I was catching my breath. It’s really true when a song says, “You take my breath away.“

And so I did everything I could to meet you. The crowd kept me away from you. You were so famous. All people cheered for you. They admired you. The pictures, the media, and the glamour sent me an indirect message that you couldn’t be reached.

I refused to believe. There was no woman who crossed my path who gave me such extraordinary joy until you walked there on the stage. I didn’t understand it. It was strange but I had to let the outpouring of my heart’s desires to go ahead and meet you.

With all my guts, we finally met. When you stood before in my presence, it was as if I was in front of a princess from a fairyland. God, you’re magically beautiful! I thought I was gazing at the most special creature of all kinds.

And so we got to know each other. Successive phone calls I made. Until now, I can utter your home phone number automatically. Your voice, just the tone of your voice made my day. Your voice, so feminine, so gentle and pure. I’d rather not eat than not hear your voice on a single day.

Thoughtfulness is what I hold dear in my heart for it’s the only memory I had with you.

Time passed, I noticed you started to avoid me. Maybe I called you too often. Maybe I visited you too often. Maybe I gave you too much of those fancy things.

I hope someday, by accident, you get to read this writing.

Do you still remember the big Valentine’s card I gave you? Do you know, according to the store manager of National Book Store, it’s the biggest card they’ve ever sold. Yet I bought it not minding the people who were staring at me. Maybe, they were thinking on who’s this crazy guy carrying that huge red card.

Do you still remember that every letter in that card came from a letter cut from magazines and newspapers? Do you know it took me almost a week to complete it? But it didn’t matter. What matters was the message on that card. Do you still have it with you? I guess you already threw it away long ago. You must have torn it apart.

You didn’t answer my phone calls anymore. But I kept my patience. Maybe you were just busy in school. Anyhow, I continued and gave you some space you needed. I waited because you told me that if I truly love you, I can wait. And so I did.

Year after year, I waited until you gave me a piece of yellow paper saying:

“Thank you very much, Mike, for your being congenial. I appreciate it a lot. You said you love me so much because I make you happy. I’m sorry to tell you, I don’t buy it. We’re still too young to think about love and relationship. I have a lot of things in my mind. I got dreams to fulfill. But if you can wait longer, let’s see how it goes.”

Sincerely,

Therese

I read it over and over again, trying to fully grasp what you really mean in that letter. I was listening to Mark Sherman’s “Changes in My Life.”

The music became my only friend at that moment. I didn’t know how to react to your letter. I was just wondering, “Is it not enough that I’ve waited for you this long?”

But I took your word in my heart which was then starting to bleed. I kept covering it so as not to expose the hole you caused in one way or the other. In spite of it, I went on and waited as you said. Another year after year passed until such time, I saw you. You were with a man. I couldn’t help but to confront you. You just simply said, “Mike, meet my boyfriend.”

I faked my smile and walked away. I don’t want to recall what happened after it for the more pain is being inflicted against my spirit, my spirit to survive, my spirit to live.

I admit I hated you. You could have told me earlier. I would have accepted it. Why were you hiding the truth all along? I hated you.

I thought I could hate you forever. The dream persisted again. Same dream. Same scene and same carefree happy feeling. Why? I’ve already moved on long ago but in my night dreams, you keep entering into subconsciousness.

I thought I hated you but I hate to admit that I still love you silently.

A couple of years ago, by chance out of nowhere. I saw your picture on Facebook. The same feeling came back. My heart beat faster. You took my breath away. And so I sent you a friend request. After two years of waiting, you never accepted my request. What’s surprising I’ve let go of any ill-feeling towards you. No more hate but only contentment to see you happy with your husband and kids in the US.

I bid you goodbye, Therese. I now release you for I’ve imprisoned my hopeless romantic love for you, for so many painful years. I now free you. I’m letting go of my undying love for you. I’m unfastening my silly love for you. I’m now free.

But why do I still dream about you? The same damn vivid happy dream, holding, smiling, sliding, and swinging…