I never thought we reach this point in our relationship. All I can remember at first is you were just one of those persistent admirers. But what sets you apart is you never give up.
Every time I look back, I always ask myself, why and how did I fall for you? Honestly, until now, there’s still some regret why I let myself fall for you. No matter how I look at our situation, this is wrong. When people know about our relationship, they will judge us.
Mike, I’m writing this letter for two reasons. First, to let you know I’m ready anytime to let you go if you decide you won’t see me again. I will understand. Don’t worry about me. The second reason is to let you know that no matter how complicated our relationship is, I still thank God I met you.
We’ve been seeing for many times now and I know you’re getting to know me better. I’m a person who deeply believes in the will of God. Our meeting is one example that there must be a reason why God allows these things to happen. If I wouldn’t have met you, I don’t know what would happen to me on that day when I had a terrible fever. If I wouldn’t have met you, I don’t know what would happen to my schooling when my brother was laid off from his job.
Sometimes I think God is someone we can never understand. He works in mysterious ways. All I can do right now is surrender to His Will whatever it may be in the next days to come.
When I found out I didn’t get pregnant, more questions came to me. I got more confused about what God really wants. Does He want me to stay away from you? Is He giving me a chance that I shouldn’t agree anymore to make love to you or else I get pregnant by that time?
But if I believe our meeting has a reason, then God must have a hand in why we reach this point.
Every time I’m with you, my mind thinks it’s wrong but my heart says otherwise. I can’t deny, I get excited to be with you. I just don’t show it.
I may say less when we’re together but I hope this letter tells a lot about how much I feel for you. I love you, Mike. There are no other words I know to express how grateful I am for you. You’re kind. You listen to me always. You care and I feel you’re sincere. I’ve loved before but this is something extraordinary. This is unexpected. You shock me but you have a unique way of captivating me which I don’t have the strength to stop you.
You come to me too strong which is so hard to resist. You weaken me with your stare and touch but you make me experience a different kind of happiness which I never felt before.
As you keep telling me, we don’t know what the future holds for us but we know Who holds the future. So I guess it’s gonna be alright.
I trust you, Mike. I believe in you when you say you’ll take care of me. You’re now taking care of me more than I ask for. But when the day comes you will let me go, just tell me right away. I will let you go even if you don’t ask if I see it’s getting difficult with you. That’s how I love you, Mike. I give you freedom whenever you will leave me.
I’m crying as I write this letter in the middle of the night. I have to cry so to lessen my pain when that day comes. But please remember, you’re the best thing that ever happened in my life.
– excerpts from The Carnal Man