I think of my beloved and dearly missed mom from time to time. When she was around, she told me to be there for her when she would need me the most. it pains me to look back when i wasn’t there to hold her and kiss her forehead when she gave her last breath.
During her dying days, she was calling on to God, praying not to take her yet because there are so much things she wants to do. I vividly remember she wanted to travel and see the world. Her body was getting weaker that she wasn’t able to go to the beach when i was ready to drive and be with her.
One of the painful memories i can’t forget was when she was crying in pain saying, “lamia na gyud e ambak uy!. Kasakit man ani akong gipamati uy!”
Decades ago, i wrote something about death in a small notebook. I kept searching where i placed it. I want to know what was going on in my mind when i wrote those words. I want to read it again. What were the words i used? How was it written? What was in between those lines?
I can recall now why i wrote those words. I was in the state of emptiness. I didn’t see the meaning of life. I could’t get the reason of my existence. I didn’t understand why we had to struggle day by day when the struggles never seem to end as the outcome was still the same and even regressing. I was contemplating to die. I was figuring it out how to die. I was imagining what it would be like when my breath was cut off. I asked myself these questions:
Is there any truth that your spirit would detach and watch your lifeless body? Is there any truth that you have few days on earth that you can communicate with someone in an extraordinary manner? After that, you’re forever gone and to what place and where, would be another set of questions.
Right now, i felt like that decade is coming back at me again as i write this piece. For the past days, weeks and months, i’ve been dreaming about different forms of death. When i woke up, i don’t know if the dream is literal, symbolic or maybe it’s just my subconsciousness surfacing out.
I haven’t yet reached into a point where i see a truly beautiful meaning in my existence that endures and lasts. I guess all things especially the good ones don’t last. You will just be left alone as you realize that you only have yourself to take care or else you die early or you become a burden to the society. Anyway, when you die, the world and the living will go on and soon enough, they would live as if you didn’t exist in their lives.
If this is the case, why continue to live? Why prolong the days when it will be the same routine day in, day out, over and over again while you don’t know when it will ever end. In fact, the reality is – it will never end. It will only end when you die.
If there is any truth about heaven and hell, i’m not sure about it. If there is any truth about reincarnation – so what if you remember your past life or if you ever remember it all… What is 100% certain is we have this life right now. It’s either we use it or just let it go. If we use it, be prepared with its pains, failures and tragedies. Yes, there is joy, success and happiness but it can’t be denied we never know what will exactly happen next. It could be the opposite. It could be bearable or could be worse.
So what now? I still choose to go on and go through the same routine because i’m programmed to survive and care for those who are entrusted to me by my choice in the past. if i fail to continue to provide for them, at least there was a point that i did. It’s just that i might reach the maximum capacity of my energy and lifespan. Since there’s still some left, i choose to go on. But if the person entrusted at my care is already fed up with me for whatever reason, then i must stop. And if the person entrusted at my care can take care of his own even without me, then i must let go.
Yet still the fact remains. Everything seems to be a routine day by day, without any sense of meaning at all. If happiness gives the act its meaning, surely, it will be met with pain and sadness along the way. In other words, everything changes. Nothing stays the same. What is happiness today could be sadness on the coming days… what is success today could be failure into an unknown future.
Mike m. luster 