I would like to dedicate this writing to the girl I want to fall in love but I just can’t…
When we first met face to face, you reminded me of someone I dearly love in secret many years ago. I wanted to love her but I wasn’t able to, due to difficult circumstances. And here you came, I’m still faced with the same situation.
But I don’t know if you felt how special you are to me during those moments we were together. I don’t know if what I’ve given is enough to let you know how important you are to me. I could have done more. I could have given you more but I’m just in a situation where I’m forced to stay away from you as much as possible.
If I spend more time with you, I don’t know if I can hold back my feelings towards you. It’s possible that if we see each other again, I might confess that I love you and I want to prove that I really do. However, I’m afraid if that happens, what comes next is I might touch you and kiss you. I wouldn’t have an idea of your reaction the moment I say I love you. Would you say no? How much more, I don’t know what would be your reaction the moment I touch your hair and face and kiss you. Would you push me away?
Thinking those scenarios really scare me just by the thought of it. So what can I do now? I’ll just continue to stare at your lovely pictures here and imagine your beautiful innocent face. I’ll just reminisce again and again about the dream I had with you…
Nights ago, I was dreaming. It was a vivid dream. We were walking side by side on the street of our village. We were having some serious conversations. Melancholy at most but meaningful. I just couldn’t remember what exactly we were talking about. What I can clearly recall was the strong feeling I had during that lucid dream. I felt so deeply joyous being with you. I intensely felt life’s real meaning of existence. And that is simply to exist freely, peacefully and happily. That’s what I really felt during the dream.
When I woke up, I thought it was real. I went to sleep again to resume my dream with you. I fell asleep but unable to resume my dream with you.
There’s this book I read. One of the lessons I learned is that there is truth in dreams. When you dream of something and the feeling associated with it is strong and clearly felt, then there is truth you must pursue.
Should I pursue you? If I do, you might just reject me simply because I might not be able to give what you need. And that is to live just like normal lovers do without hiding anything.
I’m sorry. I’ve bothered you. I’m sorry I might have caused a disturbance in your life.
You can forget me. You don’t have to reply to my messages. Don’t worry about me. I’m used to this. This happened to me several times before.
But please know, I’ve fallen in love with you. I want to love you. I want to continue providing what you need. I want to make you happy but I guess, this is the end of our road together. I understand. I’m not the man you want.
But please know, if you let me love you, I could have introduced you to one of life’s greatest joys and pleasures.
But for now, I respect your space. I’m ready for the time you won’t see me again.
Goodbye, my love.