Solitariness

In my solitariness, i feel like i’m truly alone in this world.

I see the crowd. I see families get together. I see couples sweetly smiling each other. They seem to enjoy each other’s company. They seem not to be aware the ticking of the clock.

I then reminisce the times i had with my loved one. I know she loves me but why do i still feel alone. I guess something is wrong with me. I guess i am designed to be a solitary being. I exactly don’t know.

When I’m with her, i feel so happy but every time i’m not with her, i feel not just alone but empty. I wanna be with her every day but circumstances keep pulling us away from each other.

As days go by, the more i spend time all by myself. I then realize there’s goodness in solitariness. It’s where i’m protected. It’s where my heart is sheilded from pain.

In silence, it’s where i come to know myself better. And in my discovery, i’m all good. I’m all okay. In my being away from anyone, i come into full circle and come into thinking i’m designed to be all alone most of the time. In this manner, i’m unable to hurt and be hurt.

But the universe knows i’ve done my very best to my maximum capability when it comes to love. All i know i’ve loved enough. I’ve given enough. A big part of me is shred, cut and torn apart just to love her. Yet i still fail to make her happy. I still fail in making her feel i truly love her. It pains me.

And so i go back to solitariness, my consistent virtual companion since childhood. I guess i don’t have to look for anyone to love me because solitariness has always been with me, accepting who i am no matter what i do or what i don’t do, accepting me who i am, who i am not and even who i become…